Feelin' better..

Ew!  I feel like I complain all the time.  But I really don't...you're supposed to lash out in blogs,  aren't you?  I've had a great few weeks.  Great energy, my legs haven't been hurting and my neck is getting better, though the PT says I need to take it easy for at least 6 months...ugh.  Oh, I so wanna feel good this summer!  Camryn deserves a fun summer, so does Rod.  Anyway, maybe my brain's on the mend.  Sometimes I still can't believe something's wrong with me.  I've always been the picture of health.  I think the the thing that bothers me the most, besides the symptoms, is the fact that I will forever be branded with this "disease."  But I've GOT to turn it into something positive.  I know that's what the Lord wants me to do...so why am I so selfish somtimes?  Human nature, I suppose.  But I will, I will get better and I will use this thing for His glory...no matter what.

I HATE MS

OK, scratch the last post.  I've been feeling really crappy for 2 weeks now.  I've been having terrible muscle spasms or cramps in my neck, causing horrific tension headaches, to the point where we had to call my dad in the middle of the night one of the nights. I thought I was going back to the hospital.  Thankfully, my doctor said it wasn't a flair.  I just have a lot of built up tension...hmmm...wonder WHY ?  Could it be because I was recently diagnosed with a lifelong disease?  That one day I may not be able to ride bikes with my grandkids like my grandmother did with me?  I don't even feel like doing that now, and I'm still in my 20's.  I'm some better this week, but my left side is just in  a constant state of numbness.  I HATE that feeling.  It's totally crappy.  I hurt 24/7 .  I'm so tired of hurting.  And I get so tired of pretending that I feel good when I don't.  But I want Rod and Camryn to be happy.  I'm so hard on myself about not being able to care for them like I should.  So I'm still asking the question...WHY?  why did this happen to me?  What did I do, Lord?  What did I do?

Remission?

So I've been feeling much better the last couple of weeks!!  I don't know, I just feel like I've made another huge step toward recovery.  Still some annoying symptoms, but I'm managing a lot better.  I've taken Camryn to the children's museum in Columbia with my sweet, dear friend, Melanie and her precious babes.  We had a blast.  Camryn hasn't been going to school a lot lately because I've just enjoyed feeling like keeping her home and taking her with me everywhere I go...like we used to!  I'm super excited about re-roofing our home.  It's been a looooong time coming.  I'm also becoming more and more thankful for my Betaseron.  Since my lesions have regressed, it's obvious that the injections are working.  Where would I be without this amazing drug?  And there are so many advancements on the horizan for battling MS.  I'm just so very thankful that I'm living in this century, otherwise, I might be facing a lifetime of complete misery.  I wrote a story about my experience with MS for the paper, which will come out Tuesday, in time for MS Awareness Week.  I hope it sheds some light on the disease for people (like me) who might be clueless.  Wow.  I am truly blessed beyond words.  

It's not as easy as it looks

Haven't written in a while because my attitude hasn't been the best.  Well, it still isn't.  Depression is a terrible thing.  I know it's from Satan, but it's hard to shake it sometimes.  It's a side effect of my injections, too.  Imagine that!  A precious childhood friend is having a baby girl we found out yesterday.  I even know her name although I'm gonna keep it under wraps until she's ready to announce it.  I'm soo soo excited for her. But I feel so crappy all the time, so it's hard to really be myself.  I pretend for Camryn and for most everyone, really.  I get up, take Camryn to school (sometimes), take a shower, put on makeup, straighten up the house...you know, go through the motions of life.  But my JOY...my joy just isn't what it used to be.  I used to be so excited about life...about LIVING and being happy.  I don't need a mansion or a fancy car...just my family and our health...my health, so I can take care of my child.  My precious child that God has charged me with.  And as much as I want to be excited for Carrie...my heart is broken into pieces because this isn't how it was supposed to be.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  I was supposed to have 2 children by now.  I shouldn't have to wonder whether or not I feel like going to the grocery store or staying out till 10 at night.  I'm 27...not 87.  Rod wants to go snow skiing...I can't do that!!  My legs are too weak.  I still get dizzy.  I still don't sleep well at night.  I do good just getting Camryn her bath and getting her into bed without breaking into tears.  I feel sometimes like the world is just moving around me and I'm just existing.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to feel like ME.  And then, Rod reminds me that I'm alive...that I still have work to do on this earth that has nothing to do with him or Camryn.  But my heart is torn because I AM a mother and my responsibility to my child and husband is so so intense.  I'm sure people look at me and think, wow, she has MS?  Looks like she's doing pretty darn good.  But the agony is real, the depression is real, the chronic pain is real.  Will it ever go away?  Will I ever go a day without thinking about how I feel or whether I'll have another flare?  And the baby issue is another whole subject.  Oh, I'm having another baby if it KILLS me.  So when people ask...so how are you doing?  I usually smile and say..."better," or "just fine," but believe me...it's not as easy as it looks.

wild hearts can't be broken

My favorite movie growing up was a sweet "true story" disney flick called Wild Hearts Can't be Broken.  In short, it was about a girl who lost her eye site in the midst of her 20's and how she rose above all odds to achieve her dream of diving horses. A horse lover myself, I related to Sonora in that way.  Part of the movie deals with Sonora's depression and her overcoming her blindness.  At one point her fiance yells at her, saying she can't change her circumstances...that what happened to her just "IS".  It exists,  and there is nothing she do about it.  In the first couple of months of my illness, the words from that scene of the movie often came to my mind.  I knew I had to accept what had happened to me.  It was real, and no matter what, I couldn't change it.  I thought about Sonora, who happened to be a real person, who really lost her vision, yet instead of giving up, she rose to the challenges of life.  I so want to do the same.  No, I didn't lose my vision, but I did lose my sense of balance and my hearing.  God gives us challenges in life to shape us and mold us into the person he wants us to be.  Apparently, he was far from finished with me.  In a way, I suppose, he's actually only begun.

Date with the Neuro

I had an appointment with Dr. Putman this morning.  I really like him a lot.  You can tell he wants to help me so badly, but there's nothing he can do.  That's got to be one of the hardest things about being a doctor...when there's really nothing you can do but hope for the best.  I hope Kirk continues on his path of becoming a doctor.  I think he would be awesome.  His bedside manner is perfect and he's so compassionate and caring.  Anyway, Dr. Putman scheduled me for my third MRI and some bloodwork for next thursday.  FUN!  I hate those things.  They are awful.  He's going to compare this one with the other 2 to see if there are any new lesions.  He's also setting up an appt. with his ENT to do an audiogram to see whether I've lost hearing or not.  My tinnitus has really been kicking the last couple of weeks.  I got to hold baby Wheeler Bea today.  She is so cute...so innocent still.  I want another girl.  This morning when Rod kissed me goodbye he said if we had another boy then maybe we could adopt a chinese girl.  I would name her Ava Grace.  I can start on the paperwork for adoption on my 29th birthday.  Seems crazy that you should have to wait until you're 30 to adopt...but chinese regulations are strict for some reason.  I may not even be eligable, (because of my disease) but we'll see!!  Anyway, I'm just enjoying being Camryn's mommy for now.  I suppose my other baby or babies will have to wait in heaven.  But they're safe there and that's comforting to know.    

Learning to live with it

A year ago, my life was perfect.  But I appreciated it...I never took it for granted.  I thanked God everyday for the health of my child, my husband and myself.  Yet in the blink of an eye, everything changed.  I wonder everyday if I'm still in this nightmare...if I'll ever wake up.  Will things ever be like they were? After only 27 years on this earth, my carefree days are over.  But I can't accept it...not yet.  There are so many things that I wanted to do.  So many things I used to enjoy doing...now even the simplest tasks seem impossible.  All I ever wanted to do was raise my family, take care of my husband...be a good wife and mother.  I've taken care of my body my whole life!  So why did this happen to ME?  How, in the midst of the best days of my life have a suddenly been thrown into this black hole that I'll never be able to leave.  It's incurable.  INCURABLE.  I will DIE with MS.  I will die with scars on my brain that I didn't cause.  So WHY did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  

"Nothing," my husband reassures me for the millionth time.  I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to embrace this burden God has placed upon me.  Everyday, I ask myself "could I care for an infant today?"  "Do I feel good enough to handle 2 children?"  Never in a million years did I think I would be having to ask myself questions like these.  But I want another child more than anything in the world.  I'm so thankful Camryn arrived safely before this diagnosis. But I missed her 3 year old summer...I'll never be able to get that back.  If I could just erase from my memory those agonizing days.  I thought I was going to die.  I hurt so badly...the burning was more than I could bear.  I couldn't hear, I couldn't walk without help.  The dizziness, the vertigo...I just want to forget it all.  But I can't.  I know the nerve damage on my ears may never heal.  The tinnitus may never go away.  I must learn to live with it.   I have no choice.  My child needs me...my husband needs me.   I must be strong enough to bring another life into this world.  I have no choice.