wild hearts can't be broken

My favorite movie growing up was a sweet "true story" disney flick called Wild Hearts Can't be Broken.  In short, it was about a girl who lost her eye site in the midst of her 20's and how she rose above all odds to achieve her dream of diving horses. A horse lover myself, I related to Sonora in that way.  Part of the movie deals with Sonora's depression and her overcoming her blindness.  At one point her fiance yells at her, saying she can't change her circumstances...that what happened to her just "IS".  It exists,  and there is nothing she do about it.  In the first couple of months of my illness, the words from that scene of the movie often came to my mind.  I knew I had to accept what had happened to me.  It was real, and no matter what, I couldn't change it.  I thought about Sonora, who happened to be a real person, who really lost her vision, yet instead of giving up, she rose to the challenges of life.  I so want to do the same.  No, I didn't lose my vision, but I did lose my sense of balance and my hearing.  God gives us challenges in life to shape us and mold us into the person he wants us to be.  Apparently, he was far from finished with me.  In a way, I suppose, he's actually only begun.

Date with the Neuro

I had an appointment with Dr. Putman this morning.  I really like him a lot.  You can tell he wants to help me so badly, but there's nothing he can do.  That's got to be one of the hardest things about being a doctor...when there's really nothing you can do but hope for the best.  I hope Kirk continues on his path of becoming a doctor.  I think he would be awesome.  His bedside manner is perfect and he's so compassionate and caring.  Anyway, Dr. Putman scheduled me for my third MRI and some bloodwork for next thursday.  FUN!  I hate those things.  They are awful.  He's going to compare this one with the other 2 to see if there are any new lesions.  He's also setting up an appt. with his ENT to do an audiogram to see whether I've lost hearing or not.  My tinnitus has really been kicking the last couple of weeks.  I got to hold baby Wheeler Bea today.  She is so cute...so innocent still.  I want another girl.  This morning when Rod kissed me goodbye he said if we had another boy then maybe we could adopt a chinese girl.  I would name her Ava Grace.  I can start on the paperwork for adoption on my 29th birthday.  Seems crazy that you should have to wait until you're 30 to adopt...but chinese regulations are strict for some reason.  I may not even be eligable, (because of my disease) but we'll see!!  Anyway, I'm just enjoying being Camryn's mommy for now.  I suppose my other baby or babies will have to wait in heaven.  But they're safe there and that's comforting to know.    

Learning to live with it

A year ago, my life was perfect.  But I appreciated it...I never took it for granted.  I thanked God everyday for the health of my child, my husband and myself.  Yet in the blink of an eye, everything changed.  I wonder everyday if I'm still in this nightmare...if I'll ever wake up.  Will things ever be like they were? After only 27 years on this earth, my carefree days are over.  But I can't accept it...not yet.  There are so many things that I wanted to do.  So many things I used to enjoy doing...now even the simplest tasks seem impossible.  All I ever wanted to do was raise my family, take care of my husband...be a good wife and mother.  I've taken care of my body my whole life!  So why did this happen to ME?  How, in the midst of the best days of my life have a suddenly been thrown into this black hole that I'll never be able to leave.  It's incurable.  INCURABLE.  I will DIE with MS.  I will die with scars on my brain that I didn't cause.  So WHY did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  

"Nothing," my husband reassures me for the millionth time.  I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to embrace this burden God has placed upon me.  Everyday, I ask myself "could I care for an infant today?"  "Do I feel good enough to handle 2 children?"  Never in a million years did I think I would be having to ask myself questions like these.  But I want another child more than anything in the world.  I'm so thankful Camryn arrived safely before this diagnosis. But I missed her 3 year old summer...I'll never be able to get that back.  If I could just erase from my memory those agonizing days.  I thought I was going to die.  I hurt so badly...the burning was more than I could bear.  I couldn't hear, I couldn't walk without help.  The dizziness, the vertigo...I just want to forget it all.  But I can't.  I know the nerve damage on my ears may never heal.  The tinnitus may never go away.  I must learn to live with it.   I have no choice.  My child needs me...my husband needs me.   I must be strong enough to bring another life into this world.  I have no choice.