Learning to live with it

A year ago, my life was perfect.  But I appreciated it...I never took it for granted.  I thanked God everyday for the health of my child, my husband and myself.  Yet in the blink of an eye, everything changed.  I wonder everyday if I'm still in this nightmare...if I'll ever wake up.  Will things ever be like they were? After only 27 years on this earth, my carefree days are over.  But I can't accept it...not yet.  There are so many things that I wanted to do.  So many things I used to enjoy doing...now even the simplest tasks seem impossible.  All I ever wanted to do was raise my family, take care of my husband...be a good wife and mother.  I've taken care of my body my whole life!  So why did this happen to ME?  How, in the midst of the best days of my life have a suddenly been thrown into this black hole that I'll never be able to leave.  It's incurable.  INCURABLE.  I will DIE with MS.  I will die with scars on my brain that I didn't cause.  So WHY did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  

"Nothing," my husband reassures me for the millionth time.  I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to embrace this burden God has placed upon me.  Everyday, I ask myself "could I care for an infant today?"  "Do I feel good enough to handle 2 children?"  Never in a million years did I think I would be having to ask myself questions like these.  But I want another child more than anything in the world.  I'm so thankful Camryn arrived safely before this diagnosis. But I missed her 3 year old summer...I'll never be able to get that back.  If I could just erase from my memory those agonizing days.  I thought I was going to die.  I hurt so badly...the burning was more than I could bear.  I couldn't hear, I couldn't walk without help.  The dizziness, the vertigo...I just want to forget it all.  But I can't.  I know the nerve damage on my ears may never heal.  The tinnitus may never go away.  I must learn to live with it.   I have no choice.  My child needs me...my husband needs me.   I must be strong enough to bring another life into this world.  I have no choice.